Mental Illness and stuffs

ok, i'm gonna blog and blog and blog and blog and blog..... It's going to be a lot of waffle...

and i'm going to get a drink first...

ok sorted.

told you it was going to be waffle.

The question of why blog... (by the way I am literally writing off the top of my head for an hour or so).. The question of why blog comes up a lot... There's LOADS of reasons... But my favourite one is just to create stuff that is well.. cemented.... so its always there... and when you are gone, it is a piece of you that's always there... A timeframe from your life that can be re-lived... In the same way that photos capture moments.. Only the photo doesn't capture what you were thinking about, and it only captures a millisecond.

I've never blogged for an hour before... it's like some kind of marathon. Not many people read my blogs but that doesn't matter to me really.. and there are 5 people who read them avidly LOL and that is more than enough.. and something I'm very grateful for. Though even if no-one read the blogs I would still make them... That is the essence of creativity for me.. making things for yourself.

I'm gonna talk about mental health now... mental health disorders and issues... because it is everywhere...

It's in the news today and I've been fortunate to talk on BBC radio today on behalf of York Samaritans, and try and spread some awareness.

DEPRESSION is the one in the news today... There's all kinds of different disorders, you know... Today I was researching the radio slot and reading a forum and people had things like "constantly itching discorder" and "can't stop buying things disorder" .. I dunno, they were probably made up titles...

Oh who's texting me, while I'm trying to write an hour blog... how rude!

Today Depression is in the news, cos basically Geoffrey Boycott is a twat. Well, thats not news obviously (he's always been a twat!).... But the story goes like this... An England cricketer pulls out of the tour citing depression.. (fair enough) .. Geoffrey Boycott goes to the press... and says some of the following things abuot his "team-mate": (this is from the Metro)

"Boycott said he had never had to worry about depression in his career because he had been a ‘better player’.
He added: ‘I’m very surprised but he must have been reading my comments about his bowling. That must have upset him because it’s obviously too much for him at this level.’"

It closes with.....

Boycott, who played more than 100 Tests for England, told BBC radio he did not ‘understand depression’.

haha that's very clear....

I don't really think I need to clarify the illness... but I will do quickly by scribbling down the notes I took before I went on air.... "Hard to admit due to other people's perceptions.. can be perceived as admission of defeat or weakness - which can be hard especially for guys... Often because you can't see it, people can perceive it as not real.. or put it down to lazyness, simply feeling down or just generally being lethargic... Often people will look down on your or treat you differently when obviously thats not what you want...i.e. JUDGE you... Depression is very very common within our race (though admitting is less so, due to the stigmas... a stigma which is often deepened when people don't understand)

Anyway, anyway, anyway... on to my point..... and this goes with Depression but goes with so many things....

If someone tells you they are suffering, all you have to do is listen and not judge.

It is funny that if someone falls off their bike, hurts their leg and then comes into work, everyone listens... "where did you bang it?" "ooh, let's look at the bruise" etc etc.... Listening, finding out, trying to understand.....

With mental illness, that tends not to happen. Instead, what tends to happen is that people hear the information, ask no questions (often through fear really)... and instead of trying to understand, simply arrive at the conclusion "I don't understand".... Instad of simply trying to find out or understand.

I think i've said 'understand' a few too many times.

Geoffrey Boycott, on hearing that his team-mate is suffering, has chosen not to find out what's behind it or even, by the sounds of it, approach his fellow cricketer, but has instead used the time to go to the press and talked about him, without knowing a thing about the subject matter.

Ulimately, if you don't understand something, then listen and try to learn to understand.

The whole stigma of talking about mental illness is because of people's inability to LISTEN and simply accept. The woman on the show before was lucky... when her daughter got diagnosed, she was there to listen to her daughter phoning at all hours of the day. Many people have no-one at all to turn to... simply because they are afraid to tell others, because of the stigma attached.

I'll link the subject onto myself... I don't have depression.. I have an interesting range of mental disorders (sometimes it's actually quite hard not to fall into a category these days)... I am also very very lucky that I ahve more than enough support if I ever want to talk about stuff....

Here are some of the actually quite fascinating things I have (to SOME extent)... I was gonna say suffer, but I don't like to see it as a suffering..... it's more just parts of my life I have learnt to accept and even embrace....

DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER... This is the one that fascinates everyone so I thought I'd put it first!!! It used to be called MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER. IT's very real, but sadly is often misinterpreted or seen in a bad light.... This is because often extreme cases are focused on in viewer-hungry TV documentaries... cases where people spend all day talking to each other with all their different 'people' inside them inter-acting... Mind you, it's important to stress that, for those people, that is very real, and I can see how it happens.

Anyway, I have it to a lesser degree.. and what it means is that, because of excess pain when I was younger, my brain kind of split... and part of me is still the age it was when it split - so I think about 2 years old!!! So part of me actually genuinely thinks like a 2-year-old.. This can cause problems when I'm tired for instance.. but also I am so grateful for having this because it gives me a wonderful insight into the world.. there are so many great things about seeing the world from a child's point of view....

If you're reading this and it sounds far-fetched, I can understand, but it's very real, and simply how the brain shuts off and "splits" when it is faced with too much trauma - hence multiple personalities are created.

EXTREME ANXIETY - Ok, this is the one thing that affects me the most... and is something which will continue to do so for my whole life. My anxiety is simply very high much of the time, sometimes crazily so! At the top end it's panic attacks.. physically it's breathing, tenseness etc... I've had therapy for coping techniques etc...

PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder).. from early childhood sexual trauma.. covers a vast range of fears and mind-states...

SOCIAL ANXIETY - Ok, this is one I really want to cover here because it's something I haven't talked about much before, even to some of the closest people to me.. Despite being very socially confident in most situations, I can surprisingly revert to being socially anxious in certain situations....

When I was younger, this social anxiety was with me almost all the time.... in fact it bordered on SELECTIVE MUTISM at school..... in other words, when I was at Infant School, I barely spoke and only usually interacted when responding to someone.

Thankfully (due to people) I was able to get over and cure this gradually as I got older.... to the point where now, it's the opposite and I'm really confident socially........ Except... in certain situations, where I suddenly revert back to how I used to be.

This normally isn't a problem in my day-to-day life.... but sadly, it is the main reason I lost my last job.. last week. It's worth pointing that I really didn't like the job anyway, so in some ways it was a blessing.

Anyway... getting back to the point.... In my final week and a half in the job, I became more and more quiet, withdrawn and anxious socially to the point where it came across as really weird... well to my colleagues anyway.......

Then without a single person asking if i was okay (yeah, that annoyed me!) .. out of the blue, I received a phone call from the employment agency telling me not to to go back and they came up with a made up reason to get rid of me (they told me the workload was no longer there)

The boss or no-one at the company spoke to my face about things. Not once. However, people did a lot of gossiping behind my back... Including much which I was aware of - (how horrible is that!!)

Of course, the nature of temporary work is that you can just be let go at the drop of a hat... and told not to come back in... But I'd been told I would be employed until at least the end of July when the job would be advertised internally or maybe externally.

Anyhow..... after everything, it was a relief. I didn't make a friend there, and felt intimidated and gossiped about and really didn't fit in... And I'd started dreading every day.. which really isn't a good thing.

So in that respect it was a relief.

The truly great thing now... is that... although I'm on the dole (signed on Monday)... everything in my life... all the events, all the PEOPLE, everything I do.... is what I choose to do.. and everything is POSITIVE.....

if negative places or people cross my path I don't have to go there.

Workplaces sadly are the source of a lot of discomfort for many. If you have a steady job where you don't mind going to work each morning, be really thankful, and appreciate what you have. It's the one place where you really can't choose those that surround you... and those you have to spend eight hours a day with....

Anyway, moving on, I'm back on the dole and looking at.... hopefully... a change of career direction......

I've spent the last 9 years (oh my god!!!!) working in offices.... I've been very lucky that most of those years, I've had jobs that I've enjoyed... since coming out of university and finding the first one as quickly as possible, just to get into some employment.

So now (although still considering finance work), I am going to look for work in the tourism industry here in York.. and possibly some retail work, although I'll see how things go. I've taken things relatively easy this week - giving myself time to get over the knock from the previous job, and space to clean the house, have nice proper meals etc.

Blog is nearly over....

I've now been for four runs in training for the Hospital Radio run event in August or September. Fairly gentle runs, but it's great to keep fit. I'm gonna run again on my own today.

I'm still commentating from the football ground - 6 wins out of 6 from the box - If City win their game in hand, they'll be just one point off the play-off positions so its going to be a very very close finish. There's 6 home games left and 3 away ones in a very short space of time.

Tomorrow, I'm commentating versus Histon... surely the smallest club I'll ever commentate on... A little village in Cambridgeshire somewhere.. then after EARTH HOUR.... i'm spending Saturday night at the Samaritans branch doing my favourite thing in the entire world..... HELPING OTHERS :-)

Wow, I really have been typing non-stop for an hour... probably should go look for a job :-)